No Matter What – Love Yourself

A poem for the new week:

No matter what – love yourself!

Sometimes what looks terrible

can actually become a new opportunity…

Or what seems the end of the world

becomes the beginning of a new way of living…

When we are in these transition times

grieving the known that has come to an end

And facing the unknown that we have not met nor begun to trust yet

We are “in limbo”, in “no man’s land”,

in nomadic territory, travelling on seemingly without direction…

And yet, in the depth of our soul

And interconnected with the Universe

we are being prepared

For a new beginning

For a new life

For new connections

For new places to call “home”

No matter what – love yourself!

Hold on and trust

The new path that will open before you,

The new life that awaits you.

No matter what – love yourself and reach out to community.

There are so many like you “in limbo” right now…

A Medical Provider’s prayer of despair

Completely burned out, not thinking straight anymore,15 hour work days

Not being able to sleep, trauma brain on constant signal, always afraid

Always waiting for the next shoe to drop, and then it comes: The next wave, on autopilot

Guilty for not doing more, loyal while slowly vanishing, soothing with meds, sometimes alc

But nothing works anymore, controlling the uncontrollable, breaking down, but no one sees

Losing the battle, too many battles against Covid, having been changed forever

Not knowing what “normal” feels like anymore, exhausted beyond belief

Feeling despair, on a sinking ship, nearly two years of complex trauma, the body, the brain will never be the same

Burn out beyond belief, How long, God,

…how long?

Becoming…

Becoming…

I love the word “becoming”- it includes the word “be”, which is a holy word as the God of Jewish/Christian history introduces as “I am”.

“Being” means “not doing”. “Being” means “not having”. “Being” is an awesome experience of the “here and now”.

“Coming” means “movement from the future”. “Coming” means “something arrives and I do not have to force it”. “Coming” is the awesome experience of “the future and now becoming one”.

Be-coming” then means that our essence, the core of who we are is fully present, fully there (though we often do not know this space in us well).

“Be-coming” means that our essence, our core is being met by the future with its endless possibilities.

And the “I am” smiles at us humans, and at creation and whispers: “Become”!

My Ancestor…

My ancestor Dorothea Erdmuth von Zinzendorf died at the age of 56. She had shortly before lost her 24 year old son Christian after before losing 5 children all in infancy. Now her daughter Benigna was the only child left. Her husband had been travelling on different mission trips for many years without much communication being possible back then when you lived apart.

She must have felt deeply lonely and grieving, the “Mother” of the Moravian church. A biography describes how she just “gave up”, exhausted and died.

I am 56 now, and I just lost my marriage of 24 years. I feel a deep connection with my ancestor, my great-grandmother. She founded the Moravian church with her husband in 1722, exactly 300 years ago.

As I am breathing deeply through my pain, and with the help of therapy, yoga, meditation, my daughters and my communities have found new joy and strength to move forward, I am thinking of her. This blog, this year, my new beginning is dedicated to my ancestor, this amazingly strong, pious, lonely and in the end despairing and fading (letting go) woman.

I know she is smiling at me, as I am starting my new life at 56. I will live on with joy and strength, also for you, my beloved namesake.

Presence…

“Put yourself on the wish list” the advertisers say on New Year’s Eve, hoping I would buy a new car perhaps.

What do I wish for myself this year?

I only want one thing: “I want to be fully present.”

Present to feel my emotions and then let them go. Present to smell and taste. Present to breathe deeply.

Present without the inbreaking of the past or future. Present without already rushing to the next thing to do. Present without worrying about my life or judging myself or others.

Present to love deeply and intensely. Present to pause and just “be”. Present and putting the “here and now” on my wish list.

Yes, “here and now” – that is “me”!

Strength and Grounding

The back pillow that grounds me, holds me, supports me – a symbol for the invisible strength that is available to me every day.

Interwoven – my inner strength and the outer strength, flowing toward me like soundwaves – arriving in my heart as reminder that I am not alone.

I am part of all of creation – visible and invisible, embedded, grounded, strengthened by the awareness that no matter what will come toward me this New Year – I am surrounded and held by invisible, compassionate powers… grateful!

Angry… and now?

Someone behaved in ways that disturbed my peace.

I feel treated unfairly, misunderstood, judged, taken for granted or thrown under the bus…

Feelings of anger are an understandable human reaction. And yet they block me from moving on.

Anger locks me in.

It interrupts relationships and my inner peace.

Letting anger go - in relaxing my body.

Being aware and not allowing anger to stay while:

"Letting it come. Letting it go."

Breathing deeply and refusing anger to take over

neither body nor mind.

Releasing any "pain body" (past pain or anger) vibrations.

Opening myself to waves of compassion

that replace the waves of anger.

And so: Anger came and went.

Compassion comes and flows.

Joy

Remembering without becoming nostalgic. Cherishing the past without regret. Calling upon memories without holding onto the roles and identities we once held. Joy is the ability to be fully in the here and now. Enjoying the moment. Letting go of the worries about the future. Savoring this cup of tea. Listening to this piece of music. Saying “I love you” to the tree in front of my home. Marveling at the raindrops running down the glass window. Joy in the moment. Always now…

“Dear one, I am here for you.”

A Declaration of Love

What is loving? It is recognizing the presence of the other with your love. This is not a theory; it is a practice. Whether the object of your love is your heart,your in-breath, your physical body, or your baby, whether it is your son, your daughter, or your partner, your declaration of love is always the same. It is: “Dear one, I am here for you.”

(Thich Nhat Han)

STILLNESS

Stillness is your essential nature. When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world. (Eckhart Tolle)

When my shoulders are tense, when I feel overwhelmed, when I react instead of respond, when I feel anxious, when I am impatient with myself and others, then I know that I have lost touch with myself.

I need to pull inward. I need to be silent. Being still helps me relax, let go, respond, be patient, reconnect and recover from fear…

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